Precipitation (That is evil).

I have an optimistic view on life. Very few things make me angry. There are even fewer things that I truly do hate. One thing that I hate is the movie The Rock. The other is a most evil substance that causes only inconvenience and pain. SNOW.

Q: But , Owen, snow days were fun as a kid!

Yes, yes they were. Running around for hours, sledding, building snow forts and Mom had hot coco waiting for when you came inside.

*Sigh* …

A: AND THEN YOU GROW THE FUCK UP. No adult, besides teachers –which one can argue teachers never grow up themselves- get snow days. This means you have to drive in the snow or you lose your job.

For those who have never driven in snow let me fill you in on a fact: Driving in the snow sucks potato sized balls. You are never sure if you can stop in time if that upcoming light turns amber. 4x4 trucks are always passing you and splashing snow in your view (Also, if you live in a winter climate, you LOVE to see a 4x4 truck in a ditch because it proves no one is safe from the Blanco Diablo). Snow makes you hate people. Its a fact.

At night, the suck is multiplied, you can’t tell the difference between dry road and life-taking ice. If it’s snowing as well, visibility becomes almost zero, add the headlights of other cars, even less visibility. Snow, is a killer and taker of lives.

Q: But, Owen, people derive lifetimes of enjoyment from snow sports like Skiing and Snowboarding!

Yes, yes, they do.

A: IF THEY ENJOY PAIN. Look at the origins of these sports. They come mainly from northern Europe. Do you know what else comes from northern Europe? Have you seen Girl with the Dragon Tattoo? If not, watch it now…. Okay, so now that you’ve been thoroughly scarred for life, do you realize these people derive pleasure from pain? The two- if ever- are rarely separate.
If you’re not sure, please note the famous author of Venus in Furs. This is the work of a northern German whose name is the etymological source of ‘Masochism’. In case you never dabbled in it; Masochism is the scientific name for ‘Guy who likes to licks boots and be whipped by a woman in leather ’. This place is the very core of porn on the internet I do not want to see.

For any other doubt in the deadliness of snow I refer one word: Avalanches.
Plus when you get snow on your neck it burns. Don’t lie, you know it does.

Q: But, Owen, snow looks so pretty!

Yes, yes it does.

A: IN A FUCKING PICTURE.

Snow sucks forever. No doubts. Always and forever and ever.