LTTP: Double Dragon (Movie)

Double Dragon, the video game was a two player side-scrolling beat em' up that did have one cool feature; at the end of the game you could turn on and beat up the other player who had been fighting with you the entire time.  Friendships were ruined by this game, brother took up arms against brother and it was awesome. Double Dragon the movie however, is an obvious attempt to cash in on the 'ninja craze' of the early 90's (Ninja Craze is a made-up term, so don't look it up) and had nothing to do with the seven year-old game. I get it, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was hotter than hot and 3 Ninjas actually made money at the box office despite critical scrutiny. So, take a franchise with a recognizable name add ninjas, boom! Instant money.

I the dark dystopian and far off future of Los Angeles of 2007 Mark Dacascos and Scott Wolf play brothers Jimmy and Billy Lee. Go ahead and reread that,'brothers.' No they are not adopted or from different mothers, blood relations.

Brothers my ass

These 'brothers' find out that their guardian has been keeper of a secret medallion that has been broken in two, she keeps one half on herself and the other 'Somewhere in China.' Their guardian is played by Julia Nickson who holds the honor of being the only Asian lady who doesn't look 20 years younger than she actually is. Robert Patrick plays the villain. Just imagine his T1000 role in Terminator 2 only waaaaay gayer. Abobo, a infamous boss in the Double Dragon video game is played by Nils Allen Stewart. Really nothing interesting about that other than he has the coolest IMBD pictures ever. 

And what was it about early 90's that every video game movie had to be filmed on the set of Blade Runner? What really boggles my mind is that Double Dragon was made after the terrible Super Mario Bros movie. So this means that some people had a meeting and the following conversation ensued: 'Johnson? Do you know that really shitty Super Mario movie?' 'Oh, you mean the one that failed miserably?' 'Yes, that one. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' 'Lets make the same damn movie?' 'Yes!' Both laugh in unison as they do a line of coke and slam a Crystal Pepsi.

I will say, I was surprised to see some -before the were famous- actors in the film, Alyssa Milano and Andy Dick to name a couple. 

The movie is on Netflix and I must say, as a child of the 90's, is worth the watch if only for a few laughs and groans of nostalgia.

And to take us out, Robert Patrick as the most gender confused villain ever.

I wear black on the outside because that's how I FEEEEL on the inside!