LTTP: Tangled

I am a strong believer in the fact that if you want to know a person you look their shoes. However, if you really want to know someone, ask them one question: What is your favorite Disney movie and why?
What you learn from this question can be immeasurable. If the person says they don't have a favorite, you can derive that A: The person is lying to cover up the fact that they do have a favorite Disney movie and are insecure. This is not a person worthy of your time. B: They actually don't have a Disney movie. In this case, they've had a terrible childhood and are probably emotionally damaged.
Secondly, they have to answer 'why' and 'Ummm like, I dunno... just cause!' is not a real answer. If an adult cannot develop a cognitive reason as to why they like something as simple as a Disney movie, then you really shouldn't be hanging out at the special Olympics.  
Whats's that? What is my favorite Disney movie?
I'm glad you asked. 2010's Tangled. Why? Here's why and then some.
Admittedly, I didn't know about Tangled until about 6 months after it was released. I had heard about it online from people praising its genius. I never turn down a Disney movie but I went into the viewing with a few doubts. First off, I was shaky on the idea that it is a musical Disney movie. I have nothing against musical movies but I had been trained by the past few years of Pixar dominance that a good kid's movie doesn't have to have musical numbers. Secondly, I hate to confess but, the fact that it wasn't Pixar had me rooting against it from the start. The last movie Disney computer animated without Pixar was Bolt and that was instantly forgettable.
I realized I was wrong from the very beginning of the movie. The plot is laid out in a 5 minute opener that defines the villain; her motivations and her out of control hubris. This is followed by one the best songs in the movie. At that point in the movie I was hooked. All the characters are developed and interesting. Not to mention that character design is superb.
Just look at these guys...

Just from looking are they good guys or bad guys? If you're still not sure, they are called the Stabbington Brothers.
It is this kind of simple visual rhetoric used throughout the movie that makes it so good.
How good is the music, really? Good enough that I bought the soundtrack on iTunes. First off, I never buy movie OST's and secondly, I never buy music of iTunes. That's how good.
Also this....

Don't lie, you cracked a smile during that and it is probably stuck in your head now. If you didn't like it you should go get help, you are most likely the emotionally scarred person we talked about earlier.
I think I have said enough. Go see this movie. Love it. Share it with your children, they are the future, they deserve the best.

LTTP: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

I don't like reality television. There is little creativity, hardly any substantial writing and let's face it, real people are boring. This being said, I must admit that I have one dirty little obsession when it comes to reality TV....... Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

As if it wasn't already clear....these are the Queers.

 The show has everything I hate about reality makeover shows. The hosts are mean to the 'Straight Guy' and they are loud and obnoxious. The hosts make stupid and inane jokes, most are obvious gay jokes at the straight guy's expense. The editing/cuts are similar to that of an episode of Speed Racer causing a feeling of nausea at times.
However, after the initial 'Meet and Greet' at the beginning of each episode, the 'Fab 5' get down to business and this is where the show hooks me. The five hosts are 'experts' in a certain field; Grooming, Culture, Fashion, Interior Design and Food/Wine. These guys know their stuff too. Each queer gets some time with the straight guy and helps him in that respective field. Example: The straight guy has a neck beard and shoulder length hair so the Grooming Guru gives him a shave and a hair-cut and a line of facial care products. Culture is the only field that deviates show to show, but often it involves the straight guy learning to do something for his girlfriend (ie. Dance).

My favorite part of the show is the Interior Design makeover. Unlike most makeover shows, where the interior designer tears out every wall and replaces everything, Queer Eye works with the space the guy has already attempted to decorate himself. This approach is much more interesting. It shows that with a few good pieces of furniture and a decent paint job, any space can be stylish and comfortable.
The fashion is the only segment I roll my eyes at. First off, I think the idea of 'You can never accessorize too much!' is pretty much terrible advice. Secondly, the early part of the series is from 2003 so the fashion tips are outdated. Lastly, ties should never be used as belts.
I could lie and say 'Yes, you should watch this show!' but I can't do that because it is just reality TV trash that somehow has me addicted to its formula. The entire series is on Netflix, so give it a watch and see what you think.

Also, its also obvious that, though the queers have magical insight and are always stylish, it's nice to remember that they too are only human. Example, Jai, the culture expert went from...

...this, into......

...this. Ugh.

LTTP: Skate (Videogame) and maybe a little Trainspotting (Book)

There are some innovations in video gaming that make you wonder how we got along before them. Often, these innovations are closely tied to a certain game as well.  Duel stick controls were introduced by Halo. Resident Evil 4 perfected the over-the-shoulder 3rd person shooter. Innovations that you can remember feeling so right, even though you've never seen them before.
The original Skate released by EA in 2007 is one of these games. In Skate, instead of pushing a button or buttons to perform a trick, the game has you flicking, holding and twisting the right control stick in specific ways to even perform a simple kick-flip. This may not seem amazing but you have to remember that in 2007 the popular Tony Hawk series of skating videogames had been annually released since 1999. Basically owning a monopoly on the market and by 2005 the quality of the games began to fade immensely. EA saw the perfect opportunity to get into the fray and pick up the fans tired of the Tony Hawk formula. To do that they had to set themselves apart from the button mashing repetitiveness of the Hawk games and innovate. They did just that.
See, in the the Hawk games, your character had a certain set of tricks. You would only be able to perform harder tricks by 'unlocking' them by completing challenges that you may or may not want to do. What I find so amazing about the Skate series is that all of the tricks in the game are available to you the moment you start. The challenge comes from learning and mastering the complicated control scheme.
I know this is going to sound corny but, when I first played Skate I felt like the experience was analogous to learning how to actually skateboard. I was learning a new set of movements and I got better at performing the simple moves. Then at some point you stop thinking about what to do with your hands to perform a trick and you just do them.
I liken it to reading Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh. Written in Scottish dialect, Trainspotting, is hard to read at first. Then, almost without warning, the dialect clicks in your brain and then you cannot imagine the book being written any other way. The book takes all the rules you learned from years of reading English as it was meant to be read and throws them out the window. Now, not only have you tricked your brain into thinking/reading in a Scottish accent, it gives you a deeper connection with the fiction. Skate does the same thing. After learning for the better part of a decade from Hawk how to play skateboarding games, Skate comes along and teaches your brain to think on a whole other physical level.
I recommend both Skate and Trainspotting to anyone.
Also, Skate may have the best bail physics ever.



Literally days of my life gone to replaying spectacular bails.

LTTP: WCW vs. NWO: Revenge!

This story begins on a dark and stormy night. The place is Atlanta, Georgia and the year is 1998. A tractor trailer drives down a lonely, dusty road. Ahead, something goes up in flames! A man in dark clothes and a baseball bat stands in the middle of the road! The semi can do nothing but slam the breaks halting only inches from the face of...Sting (The wrestler, not the singer)! The driver is visibly distraught as a poorly voice-acted 'WUUUT?!' escapes his lips. Fade to black and cue the music.
This is the opening cinematic to THQ/AKI's WCW vs NWO: Revenge in 1998. This blew my mind the first time I saw it. It impressed me so much, in fact, that I called my father (A man who to this day disdains video games) into my room and said "Still think all video games are stupid? Well look at this!' My dad watched the cinematic, obviously unamused, looked at me, then to my Michael Jackson cardboard cut-out and my Theodore Rex movie poster, sighed with disappointment, simply said 'Yes, I do.' and left the room.
Now that my far too personal issues are out of the way we can talk about this amazing game. As you may remember it was a sequel to WCW vs. NWO: World Tour. It had only come out a year prior to  Revenge and introduced the best grappling system ever created. One major problem with World Tour; It looked like crap. Or perhaps the game was secretly sposered by Play-Doh, so therefore all the wrestlers had to look like they were made of it. I think THQ thought this game could use a major face-lift and put out Revenge.
And what an improvement it was. Everyone on the roster had a detailed model with characteristics that made each one different from the other. Except for Eric Bishoff's model, it was pure garbage.  So lets talk about this awesome looking roster. There were so many wrestlers to choose from.

NWO White/Red, WCW 1-4, Raven's Flock and a couple to made up factions to shove Japanese wrestlers in there. Some roster highlights: Eddy Guerrero, Dean Malenko, Hollywood Hulk, Bret Hart, Macho Man, Goldberg, DDP, British Bulldog ect, ect, ect. Roster Worsts: Eric Bischoff.
In addition to the grapple system, Revenge added the spirit meter. This meter showed you just how pumped your wrestler was. When your meter was full you could strong grapple into your wrestler's special move by wiggling the N64 toggle stick. If the meter was low, there was a good chance you would get pinned or tap out. Interesting note; Revenge was one of the few N64 games that had you hold the controler at the 9 and 3 postitions and not the more common 6 and 3. Also, just for fun, do  you know what wrestler could not make full use of the revolutionary grapple system? Eric Fucking Bischoff.
You could also pull weapons out of the crowd. Chairs, bats, trashcans (My favorite.), mallets and trashcan lids. There was a fine art to using the weapons however. If you used them sparingly your spirit meter would rise and the crowd would cheer. Relentlessly pummel someone and the crowd would turn on you causing your meter to fall. There were some wrestlers who had some special advantages when it came to weapons. LaParka always starts with a chair and Dake Kim would always pull a wooden mallet from the crowd.
There two things this game did not do well and I'm finding is a problem with most wrestling video games. First, look at that box.

No, YOU were supposed to bring the buns, Brother!

 Are they arguing in a sauna? No wait, they were Photo-shopped into one. Someday they'll figure out how to make a good looking box. Also, note Raven's Sandman shirt, Neil Gaiman must have loved the free advertising for his comic. Considering Revenge ultimately sold just under 2 million copies, that's a lot of eyes on your overrated comic. (Comic nerd rage)
Secondly, the music just sucks. Imagine the worst dub-a-wub-a butt rock you can, put it on infinite loop and then try not to go insane.
There is so much more to this game but I feel I've already rambled too long. All I'm going to say is you have the means, buy a N64 and play this game. Sure, later games have more features, modern wrestlers, no Eric Bischoff and create you own wrestler modes. None of them hold a candle to this game. Sadly, with developers more interested in better graphics over game-play and THQ barely able to keep its head above water, we may never seen one like it again.

This article was originally posted on www.hipsquaredcircle.com a site dedicated to the modern wrestling fan! Go check them out!

LTTP: Double Dragon (Movie)

Double Dragon, the video game was a two player side-scrolling beat em' up that did have one cool feature; at the end of the game you could turn on and beat up the other player who had been fighting with you the entire time.  Friendships were ruined by this game, brother took up arms against brother and it was awesome. Double Dragon the movie however, is an obvious attempt to cash in on the 'ninja craze' of the early 90's (Ninja Craze is a made-up term, so don't look it up) and had nothing to do with the seven year-old game. I get it, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was hotter than hot and 3 Ninjas actually made money at the box office despite critical scrutiny. So, take a franchise with a recognizable name add ninjas, boom! Instant money.

I the dark dystopian and far off future of Los Angeles of 2007 Mark Dacascos and Scott Wolf play brothers Jimmy and Billy Lee. Go ahead and reread that,'brothers.' No they are not adopted or from different mothers, blood relations.

Brothers my ass

These 'brothers' find out that their guardian has been keeper of a secret medallion that has been broken in two, she keeps one half on herself and the other 'Somewhere in China.' Their guardian is played by Julia Nickson who holds the honor of being the only Asian lady who doesn't look 20 years younger than she actually is. Robert Patrick plays the villain. Just imagine his T1000 role in Terminator 2 only waaaaay gayer. Abobo, a infamous boss in the Double Dragon video game is played by Nils Allen Stewart. Really nothing interesting about that other than he has the coolest IMBD pictures ever. 

And what was it about early 90's that every video game movie had to be filmed on the set of Blade Runner? What really boggles my mind is that Double Dragon was made after the terrible Super Mario Bros movie. So this means that some people had a meeting and the following conversation ensued: 'Johnson? Do you know that really shitty Super Mario movie?' 'Oh, you mean the one that failed miserably?' 'Yes, that one. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' 'Lets make the same damn movie?' 'Yes!' Both laugh in unison as they do a line of coke and slam a Crystal Pepsi.

I will say, I was surprised to see some -before the were famous- actors in the film, Alyssa Milano and Andy Dick to name a couple. 

The movie is on Netflix and I must say, as a child of the 90's, is worth the watch if only for a few laughs and groans of nostalgia.

And to take us out, Robert Patrick as the most gender confused villain ever.

I wear black on the outside because that's how I FEEEEL on the inside!

LTTP: Preacher

It's hard to pin-point what Garth Ennis' critically acclaimed Preacher is all about. The series is an ode to 'The Greatest Generation', cowboys and war veterans. The series is a sharp knifed rebuttal against the disenfranchised self-loathing/indulging of the 80's and 90's. The series is a critique on modern religious super powers and it is also an eulogy to the self-made man of morals in a complicated world. I could tell you fifty more but what it all boils down to is that Preacher is damn good book.
Jessie Custer is a frustrated preacher in Texas. One day a supernatural being from Heaven inhabits his head, giving him the power of the 'Word of God.' When Jessie uses his power, no being -not even God himself- within earshot can do anything but obey his commands. This is the world created in the first few issues of the series. The dirty little trick and genius of Ennis' writing is that Jessie -in the entire 66 issue run of the series- uses that power less than 10 times. What is even more awesome as a reader, you don't even care.
Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon have created one of the most interesting and amazing cast of characters I have ever read. I really care about what is happening to each and every one. My palms sweat when a hero is in peril. My mind races when a villain, that I hate to love, is about to meet his doom. I pour over every sentence of back story, even for the most minor of side-characters. There is an entire 8 issue run, where none of the main-characters even show up.

Each character has a disturbing history

 So what kind of stories do these characters get into? Well, to be simplistic, all the story arcs, including the main plot is about revenge. Characters forced into impossible situations by despicable villains and the reader squirms as the heroes some how exact perfectly timed revenge.
No character embodies the book's motif of revenge better than the aptly named Saint of Killers. I don't think I'm alone when I say he is my favorite character and he has the best story. His plot line follows closely to that of Jessie's and (I might be alone when I say this) is the true Hero of the series. He is the ultimate cowboy. He is the self-made man, doing his duty. Imperfect? Yes. Conflicted? Not at all. Willing to kill God by using a complicated loop-hole that God himself unwittingly created just so he can have his revenge and rest at the throne of the almighty so as to be finally at peace? Oh hell yeah.

'There ain't worse than me in all of Hell....Go an' look!'

Just for fun, when you begin to read the Saint of Killer's origin story take a good look at the young guy the old man is speaking with. Then as you read watch the progression of the main antagonist's character art in the story. That's story telling genius that can only be pulled off in a comic book.
Now, I am in no way saying this book is perfect, it most definitely has its flaws.
-The first 7 issues are not even good. They do just enough to create the world until the real story telling begins.
-All major antagonists are deformed sexual deviants.
-It puts bestiality, pedophilia, and rape on the same level as homosexuality.
-A few -extremely rare- times some major plot holes are opened never to be resolved. (I can only think of one off the top of my head.)
-A few characters are never given the proper back story that is afforded to almost every other character.
Though the last two may be because the comic was obviously ended somewhat too soon. The first can be written off as Ennis not having a 'feel' for his creation that early in the series.  The villains being sexual deviants is boring and juvenile but even Spielberg uses this trope in his movies.
But to equate homosexuality to pedophilia?  Characters are hated and hate themselves for being gay. It's inexcusable and ignorant.

It's kind of a sad joke around the comics community that Preacher would make a good movie or mini-series. Considering it has been in development hell since 1998 and it's major theme is killing the Christian God, I'm inclined to believe it will be there for a long time.
I'm also of the thinking that Preacher is already in it's best medium, preserving the pre-911 era and attitude in an extreme and somewhat backwards tale of revenge.
I highly recommend this book. If you're worried that I may have spoiled too much of the book with this article -trust me- I have not even scratched the surface. It would take me a 100 posts to even come close to spoiling this comic. I don't want to write a 100 posts on Preacher so go out and rent it, borrow it, steal it if you must but just read it!

LTTP: WWF ROYAL RUMBLE

It's Christmas morning 1993 and you're hoping that ol' Saint Nick got you a video game. You've already played Mario Kart so much for the last year that you know the Rainbow Road theme by heart.  The next present you open with fingers crossed, wishing, praying that underneath the wrapping paper is Zelda: A Link to the Past, hell, you might even settle for ClayFighter! Anything! The wrapping paper on the floor you stand staring, befuddled, shocked, because in your hand you hold the lamest looking SuperNES box ever. Six chuds in neon leather and tank tops are posing/staring back at you as if to mock your misfortune. You hold WWF Royal Rumble. Que, the fake smiles to appease your parents' misguided ideas of what makes a good video game.
That was me in back in '93. I know, I know why is this dude bashing a wrestling video game on a wrestling blog? Well, don't fret, this piece is actually a letter expressing my love to Royal Rumble.  It is a love made even deeper by my initial disdain for the game. I had judged a book by it's cover and I had been proven wrong. Royal Rumble is easily one of the best wrestling games ever made and I pose that it is one of the best games for the SuperNES console.  It was also the video game that got me interested in the WWF.
What made the game so good? Let's start with the first thing that got me to love this game, the simple addictive game play. You basically had three opening gambits to attack an opponent: 1. Run at, then drop-kick. This strategy rarely worked unless your target was stunned. 2. Grapple. This would bring up a power bar and allow you to throw or slam and again would work better on a weakened opponent. 3. Choke or face-rake. This was a dirty and unfair tactic, yet the best way to slow down a fresh enemy. However, despite 'NO HOLDS BARRED ACTION!' being on the front of the damn box, those moves were barred until you knocked out the referee. There was also a pretty cool clothesline mechanic that was often hard to pull off but very rewarding.
The game's sound design was, how do you say? Charming? The wrestlers did have their own themes songs on the character selection screen and that's about as good as it got.  Once the match started the music stopped and the crowd began to 'cheer.' By 'cheer' I mean sound like the ambient noise you hear when you put your ear up to a large sea shell. Combine that with the same sound effects for every wrestler and the game sounds like a doctor's office during cold season. Just close your eyes and listen:

I mean come on guys! People are still making good music on the SNES sound card!
With sound being the probably the worst part of the game, the roster was where this game hit gold.
ROSTER HIGHLIGHTS: Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Crush, Razor Ramone, The Undertaker, Randy Savage and Hulk Ho-.... Wait no, Hulk Hogan was only on the Sega Genesis! Talk about what NintenDON'T! However, this the trade off was pretty good when you find out the SNES had exclusives like Ric Flair, Yokozuna and Mr. Perfect.  The Genesis was stuck with Jim Duggan and Papa Shango. Yeah, they can keep Hogan.
As I fell in love with this game and started watching WWF events more often I grew to adore that stupid SNES box. I mean look at it.

Shawn Michaels looks like a back-up dancer to Lady Gaga.  Razor Ramone could not be greasier, and even before I knew that Photoshop existed I new that chair was shopped into Mr. Perfect's hands.
So, all said, WWF Royal Rumble made me a wrestling fan and was definitely a big part of my childhood.

This is a re-post of an article I did for  http://www.hipsquaredcircle.com/ A site dedicated to the hardcore wrassle'n fan, go check them out while I pound out some original material!